WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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