Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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