Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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