When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize