Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
