I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
BRING THE BAGELS
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
