Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
