Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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