I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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