update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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