Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
