Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
