someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
