i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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