White coat. Heels.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
