watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
