I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
