I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
