Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
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He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize