Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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