we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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