yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
