Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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