I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
