My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
