sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
