Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
