and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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