i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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