Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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