just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
