You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
