I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She told me I should be a condom model.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
