He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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