Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
