Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
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You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
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Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
tell me about the eggs
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