new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
