Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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