his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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