Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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