and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
