So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
