friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize