I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
