Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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