The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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