Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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