She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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