sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i came on her dog
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
