Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I want to be your penis for a week.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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