i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
