I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
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