god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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