My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
