i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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