He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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