So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
